March 19, 2010
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In the Face of Loss
How can one have peace in the face of loss?
This is not an easy question, but it is one I've pondered often. And it is because I have struggled with the question personally that you can be sure the answers I offer for your consideration are not merely theoretical. I am not parroting pat answers that come packaged with any particular religion or philosophical persuasion. I don't profess to have discovered anything new, but I am speaking from experience and suggesting what works for me.
I suppose presenting some credentials would be in order at this point, which in this case requires at least a cursory recital of loss. I'll mention two biggies, though there are lesser losses that spring from these two heartbreaks. I lost my only son to suicide in 1987 and then there is the continuing loss of my only daughter to schizophrenia. Perhaps she will not stay lost to me forever, but at the moment, she has chosen to cut off all contact with me and I have no way of knowing how she is doing, and will not know if she slips into psychosis.
Among the lesser losses mentioned is living in a society with the prevailing notion that a mother is somehow to blame for such tragedies. There are many mistaken attitudes surrounding mental illness and few people bother to learn the facts unless it devastates in their own family. But whether you have an enlightened view of mental illness or not, you perhaps can see that there could be a lot standing between peace and me.
I do not offer something that removes the pain of loss or even lays it to rest forever, but I have found a way to be reasonably happy even though my situation is light years from ideal. Much of what I've learned is contained in the simple serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Simple words, but when one truly endeavors to live the words, it can indeed generate a level of serenity.
We can't change the past. Whether we are to blame for anything is a moot point, because we cannot go back to correct mistakes or do it all differently hoping for a better outcome. The past is what it is, and that is something that must be accepted. Nothing helpful can be gained by dwelling on the past, nor can anything be gained from living in the future. Goals are good, but investing our emotions in things turning out a certain way is not a recipe for happiness. We have very little control over our lives, no matter how much we wish to or think we do. In a situation that is ongoing, all one can do is practice courage and be ready to help when an opportunity presents.
Not a day goes by that I do not have to remind myself of this when worry or sorrow creeps into my consciousness. It helps me tremendously to focus on today, to enjoy the blessings and opportunities for happiness that each new sunrise brings. We have a choice whether to focus on the negatives or the positive aspects of any particular day.
If we are wise we will heed the advice given in Philippians, "whatever things are true, whatever things are honorable, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think about these things." I've often heard it said that we can't help how we feel, but I don't believe that is totally true. Our emotions often follow an act of our will. If we choose to be happy, we are half way there.
There is a metaphor that has helped me that I'll pass along for what it is worth. I think of the heartaches in my life as an ocean. It is deep and it is wide but I don't have to drown in the pain. I can live above it in a beautiful little boat just big enough for today. I can drift through my life a day at a time, looking to the clouds and the sparkles on the surface of the waters. I know the pain is down there, but I am wise enough to not jump in and let it overwhelm me.
Comments (11)
what beautiful and insightful words Alice. i love the boat metaphor :love: namaste ~molly
Heartbreakingly beautiful post, Alice. Thank you for sharing!
I can relate to your metaphor. I am also struck by your comment about focusing on the present and not expecting to find solace from attention to the past or excess planning for the future. Good to hear from you.
Hello Alice - I met you long ago - can't remember if my son had committed suicide at that time or not - he died in 2006 at age 26. I have been to your blog many times - you are such a fountain of beautiful things - I didn't think you could still be stuggling - silly me. That was my remedy - after a while anyway - to go on a BIG TREASURE HUNT to try to find enough to COMPENSATE ME for what I had lost - never ever will - but I did find many beautiful things - and so have you - you also create those things - it's a little TOO BAD to have your only other child ill also - estranged, that is bad - but on the other hand, she isn't forcing you to carry her burden, that's GOOD. A friend of mine lost her brother, age 47, heart attack but he was alcoholic and other problems that contributed, youngest of seven children, his mother was still living - my friend asked did I have help for her, she was grieving so terribly - this friend was very close to me at one time - I thought as hard as I could and told her everything I could think of - my blog for Jan 1, 2010 "strength for grieving people" if you get a chance - I saved the email there because I actually go back and READ IT MYSELF - kinda funny.
You said the past is what it is. That's similar to a thought that gives me the most peace - hard to explain tho - the Hebrews, their word for God (jehovah) was too holy to say, but really it was just he is what he is - I am that I am - and now - I think that is true for every person - that is what "holy" is - unique being - your children's problems are only your "fault" in that they are yours, like you, you artist and poet, they probably had an extra heavy dose of sensitivity and awareness that makes this world just a LITTLE TOO HARD TO TAKE - gotta have something to take the edge off - insanity works - or suicide. My children's problems may be "my fault" - but I did the best I could, I Was What I Was - now I am what I am - and I will be what I will be - each person IS TOO AN ISLAND TAKE THAT JOHN DONNE!!! But at the same time we are so interdependent - and would rather die than be in isolation -
I think of an old Peanuts cartoon, "sign here this absolves me of all blame - hmm must be a nice document to have" - I came to the understanding that every person belongs to himself and his god - I felt absolved of blame - I know there are some holes in that idea - little children, weak people - but I still refuse to bear the being of another person as my burden - bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of christ yes - but not the responsibilty for the life choices of another - something dang satanic about trying to control other people - and something quite divine about letting them be who they are without condemnation.
I remember when your mother died - I go to see my mother tomorrow, she's only 82 but has pretty bad alzheimer's - my sister is caring for her - life - it's just one hard knock after another - broke my ankle 2/13, still in a cast - I did it but "not my fault" as I didn't know I was going to do it, didn't plan it - I don't believe in "fault" anymore - makes me a little unfit to participate in the social order, lol but it's ok - I work for a lawyer too, speaking of irony.
Some more religion - C.S. Lewis - I don't like him anymore but I did like this thought - can't quote verbatim - but we come into the world expecting a pleasure resort - it turns out to be a reform school. I don't think people are bad, they just don't understand how high maintenance this mysterious Reality is - we find out, by living - "passion of the christ" I call it.
I look at my son's face - I have one wonderful wonderful picture - the whole universe disappears beside him - when he died, I realized FOR REAL that we are not really material girls after all, Madonna notwithstanding - we are something other than what can be touched although OH GOD WHAT I WOULD GIVE to touch him again - I can sort of - still have his ashes in my closet -
A song by Frankie Laine of all people - happened to hear it on internet radio - had to buy his greatest hits thereafter - We'll Be Together Again - no tears, no fears we both have a lifetime before us, parting is not the end, we'll be together again - times when I know you'll be lonely times when I know you'll be sad don't let temptation surround you, don't let the blues make you bad..some day some way we both have a lifetime before us parting is not the end we'll be together again - he wrote the words too - and I didn't quote them perfectly - enjoyed speaking to someone who I know understands - god bless - every day the sun comes up again -
This is a wisdom and faith Alice .
I agree with what you write ;
I kno someone who is facing what you had to face ( your son) and I think this post may help her ;
Love
Michel
Alice I appreciate your heart and sharing. I think we have a tendency to be simplistic when we see other's problems. When we walk through things we never expected we have to learn to live with the new normal. I love your picture and your comparison and hope that there will be some time in the future for restoration with your daughter.
This is good.
I contemplated suicide at one point in my life, and while I cannot speak for your son, I believed at that time that life was a dark and meaningless place and I was singularly unsuited to manage it: I also believed that if I died, no one would miss me. That is the nature of the illness of depression: it is a state of mind almost incomprehensible to those who have never been there. I am sorry for your pain. Your post was beautiful.
Alice I have been going through crisis after crises after crisis with my youngest daughter for the last 5 years. She was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder and chronic depression. She is now on SSI. Several hospitalizations, more psychotic meds then I can count, now throw a 3 year old grandson into the mix and you can probably somewhat understand what I go through on a daily basis. I want to thank you for your post. I don't write about it often. I just cant seem to. . but your post helped me see that I'm not alone here.
A really great entry. Thanks for publishing it. It's slightly miraculous that I found it; we've been out of touch for so many years. Lucky me. I've been resolutely publishing "Blasts From the Past" forl many months now and found a several-years-old comment by you on an essay I wrote, "Thoughts on Plagiarism."
Now I have to go meet shunammite!
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